Mind of Her Own

Our daughter has a mind of her own. We knew this was the case, but it was confirmed yesterday (so was the fact that she is indeed a girl).

Yesterday was the big ultrasound to confirm her position for birth, check her fluid, estimate her weight, etc. We learned she is breech. Many people have different reactions to this but this is my blog and I'd like to express how I feel.

First of all, let me express how lucky we are to have a healthy baby. She is doing fine and really, when you think of it, of ALL of the problems that can happen during pregnancy, if this is the only one we'll face, well that's pretty darn great. Some women go into labor at 20 weeks and need to be on bedrest for the duration of pregnancy...and some women never even get the chance to get this far. I know I am lucky to have a healthy and active little girl.

There's a flip side to all of this feeling lucky, though...I am very, very upset about this. I was very much looking forward to the uncertainty of going into labor. That excitement felt with the first contraction or the water breaking was to me, an entrance into a part of womanhood that I was excited to join. I wanted to arrive at the hospital in a panic and have Jon coach me on to what would be the greatest thing I could ever do as a woman. I wanted to earn this baby, and now, with a planned C-section, I feel like she'll just be given to me. I know I went through nine months of growing and loving her and believe me, I know that was work. But I wanted the sweat and tears that went along with a vaginal birth. I wanted to prove to myself that I could bring a human into the world using my body. I just feel like I've failed in some way.

I'm also not too happy about recovering from this major abdominal surgery. Will I get to have skin to skin contact with the baby right after birth? Will I get to breast feed in recovery? These are all questions I'll have until it happens. It is so important to me to do those things right away, I just hope they will happen.

On a much lighter note...the baby is anything but light. She tipped the scales yesterday at an estimated 7 1/2 pounds putting her in the 90th percentile for this stage in pregnancy. The doctor said that even if she wasn't breech, he'd have talked to me about a C-section just based on her potential weight at 40 weeks alone...which he said could be nearing 9 pounds! I told him that I would have still liked to try.

Now to the basics of this whole situation: provided I don't go into labor before, the C-section has been scheduled for November 3 at noon. Yes, the day before election day. No worries, I have already voted absentee. For Jon, it's not the best timing for work, but he is not even considering that right now...his thoughts are about me and the baby. A couple of things could happen between now and then. First, the baby could still flip on her own. They will do an ultrasound the day of the C-section to make sure she's still breech. If she's flipped to head down, they will send me home and I can wait for labor. Also, like I said above, I could go into labor naturally before the 3rd. This would prompt an emergency C-section...a situation nobody wants including me. That is why they are scheduling the procedure for a week before her due date.

There is a procedure called an external version where the doctor physically turns the baby from the outside. This is a risky procedure and has a high chance of leading to an emergency C-section and/or harming the baby. I feel that if I chose to do this, it would be for selfish reasons...and not in the best interest of the baby...just so I could have my vaginal birth. So we've elected not to try that method. And oh yeah, my doctor doesn't do those because of the risks anyway.

So there you have it. This is it. My total raw feelings holding nothing back. Do other women feel this way with the same news? I'm not sure, but this is how I feel and I thank you for listening.